After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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