So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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