soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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