how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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