is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
