Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
