i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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