she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
