It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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