and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
