Dude my mom stole all your condoms
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
