the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
