Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize