I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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