You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
