Pants 0. Shit 1.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
