Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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