On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
