I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
