So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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