Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
