don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
