That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
