Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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