Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh god it's open bar.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
