I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
