Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
