Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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