WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
