It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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