I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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