Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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