I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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