We got so high we made milksteak
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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