I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
