I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
