U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Randomize