Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize