I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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