Dude my mom stole all your condoms
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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