Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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