stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
