He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You've changed since you got that strap on
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
