onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize