i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
