I met the friendliest cop last night
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
All I want is dick and wine.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
