Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
my being single is dangerous.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
