Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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