the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
