I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
