Please, let me fuck your mom
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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