I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
