i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The feeling are messing with the penis
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
