May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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