1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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