I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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