Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize