The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
