You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize