I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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